


Did I Even Make A Sound?

by tmisos



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Anxiety, Anxiety Attacks, Anxiety Disorder, Depression, Other, Self-Esteem Issues, Self-Hatred, Social Anxiety, Suicidal Thoughts, Suicide Attempt, Suicide Notes, evan is pure and i love my boy, give my boys love, jared is only in the bonus chapter
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-06-05
Updated: 2017-06-06
Packaged: 2018-11-09 13:00:51
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,541
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/11105079
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/tmisos/pseuds/tmisos
Summary: “Dear Evan Hansen,” he says to himself aloud. “Today is going to be a good day and here’s why: you’re finally going to leave this Earth and never return. You’ll finally be free of anxiety and depression and even if you don’t have friends wherever you go, you’ll be content, right? I don’t know, I read it online once.” He takes a breath and continues.“It’s going to be a good day because you’ll be okay on the other side. Maybe even happy. I hope it’s as good a feeling as everyone says it is. Otherwise you’ll be majorly disappointed. But who knows? You’ll only know once you get there. Good luck. Sincerely, me.”(Alternatively: My Take on Evan's Suicide Attempt Also Let My Boy Be Happy)





	1. When You're Falling in a Forest

**Author's Note:**

> HELLO! I finally have motivation to write so what's good? As per usual, it's just me torturing My Boys.  
> I've recently gotten very into not only Dear Evan Hansen, but also Be More Chill and, less recently, Heathers, so my brain at 3AM said "Yes, the perfect time to write a fic." So I present to you: Sadness: The Musical.
> 
> Enjoy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals (cred to Thomas Sanders I love that dude)

Most people would think it to be odd and sad that a seventeen-year-old’s favorite place to be is up a tree. But Evan Hansen didn’t really talk to…well, anyone really, long enough for them to know that.

So, undeterred by unsaid comments, he sits 30 feet up in the middle of a sunny afternoon at Ellison State Park, ignoring his job. The breeze was nice and the sun was setting behind the vast amount of trees in front of him in a beautiful array of reds, oranges, yellows and sprinkled with a barely noticeable purple. The teen liked it this way. Just him and the rustling of the trees. He looked around and started naming the different trees internally.

It’s only for a little bit, though. He actually really likes what he does here but all of the volunteer park rangers had _gathered_ for _something_ and even though Evan was invited, that was _too many people—too many people touching and breathing and talking and it was too much. So, he needed to get away because it felt like he was dying even though, logically, he knew he wasn’t but Anxiety likes to tell him he is so he can be reminded of what a failure he is and how he’ll die alone and—_

He feels himself almost slip and grabs onto the tree trunk desperately. He’d been hyperventilating and went too far into his mind to focus on holding onto the tree and almost fell.

The boy takes a deep breath. In—and out. Better, if only by a little.

His eyes scan the tree tops and he can tell what some of the trees are by just their leaves even from a distance. A Giant Sequoia’s leaves rustle in the warm summer breeze a mile or so away while a set of White Oaks allow their branches to intertwine and collide in a beautiful sort of chaos. The act of stating facts and names of trees, even inside his mind, always had a way of grounding him when he felt his life was spiraling out of control.

Oddly enough, it worked even now.

Evan thinks back on the day, realizing he didn’t say goodbye to Jared. He hastily sends a quick text to his “family friend.” Two words: _Thank you._ Jared will probably be confused but Evan knows what it means. _“Thank you for acting like a friend even if you were forced to and pretend sometimes. Thank you for making me feel normal, if only for a little while. Thank you for managing to keep me on this Earth as long as I’ve been here. Even if you’re an asshole, you’re still Jared and you’re still my friend, no matter what you say. ”_ Perhaps he’ll laugh at Evan’s odd text and when they find him, Jared, who is the only person who ever really gave a damn about him (besides his mother, of course, who he loves very dearly) even if it felt pretend and was half-assed sometimes ‘ _Or a lot of the time._ ’ his brain supplied, would probably be a little upset. Maybe cry a little bit. As cool as Jared acts, Evan knows he doesn’t have that many friends.

He left a note for his Mom on the kitchen table. A small paragraph and a messy signature.

_Dear Mom,_

_I want to thank you for everything you’ve ever done for me. You work so hard to pay for counseling and medication for your screw-up of a son. (He would never swear to his mother, even if he was never going to see her again.) But you don’t have to worry anymore. This burden will be out of your hair. You don’t have to give me a funeral. It’s not like anyone would come besides you and the Kleinman family. They don’t really have to come. I’m sorry I’ve stayed as long as I have and caused you so much pain. I love you, Momma, and I hope you’ll do much better without me._

_Your Son,_

_Evan Hansen._

The boy in blue lets out a dejected sigh and if anyone was around they would have noticed the strong lack of any feeling in that one, single sigh but, alas, no one is there to hear. Evan sits there for a while as the sun sets and tries to think of a time where he was happy and not constantly filled with anxiety. He can’t. He was diagnosed with severe anxiety at just age four and barely remembers it. In all honestly, he wished he could. Maybe it would give him some semblance of normalcy and he wouldn’t want to die all the time. No one knew, of course. If they did, it was straight to the psych ward and he couldn’t deal with that.

He’s fine. He’s _fine. Perfectly fine_. Just—a little…sad—and anxious. But that’s normal for him so that means he’s fine…right? Yes, right, fine. All good and dandy.

His brown eyes chance a look down to the ground. It’s about 30, maybe 35 feet up. Damn, he didn’t know he had gone that high. Whatever. He’s not going to be here much longer.

“Dear Evan Hansen,” he says to himself aloud. “Today is going to be a good day and here’s why: you’re finally going to leave this Earth and never return. You’ll finally be free of anxiety and depression and even if you don’t have friends wherever you go, you’ll be content, right? I don’t know, I read it online once.” He takes a breath and continues.

“It’s going to be a good day because you’ll be okay on the other side. Maybe even happy. I hope it’s as good a feeling as everyone says it is. Otherwise you’ll be majorly disappointed. But who knows? You’ll only know once you get there. Good luck. Sincerely, me.”

Evan takes a breath in and realizes how oddly calm he feels in that moment. Whatever, it’s going to be over soon anyways. It’s always over as fast as it starts.

Evan closes his eyes—

And then he lets go.


	2. Bonus Chapter (Jared To The Rescue!!)

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jared breathes heavily as he swings his body around every corner of his house trying to collect everything he needs. He slips sandals on (they don’t belong to him but he couldn’t care less right now) and grabs the keys to his shitty car, coat forgotten and in pajama pants and a graphic tee.  
> Out the door and shakily locking it because his parents would be on his ass if someone broke in, even if it was because he was saving Evan’s ass. He hastily shoves himself into the driver’s seat and turns on the engine, phone carefully balanced between his ear and shoulder.  
> “Okay—okay, I’m on my way right now. Do you know what part of the park you’re in? He hears the shuffling of clothes and a groan as Evan presumably looks around.  
> “Uh—um…there’s a—there’s a bench t-that’s…purple? I think? A-and there’s a—uh—a lot of W-white Oaks around?” Stuttering and heavy breathing.  
> “Okay, dude, I don’t know what the hell a White Oak looks like. I’m not the tree kid, remember? You are.” He chuckles nervously and continues. “I need more.”  
> “O-oh, heh, right.” A Laugh. Good. “Hold on.” More shuffling. “Oh! There’s a shed! Hah, there’s a shed!” He hears a pained groan from across the other line. Maybe laughing isn’t so great.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> HI!! Plot-Twist: I'm a productive person? What? How can be? 
> 
> Anyways here's the extra chapter I promised. I think this may be longer than chapter one but whatever. 
> 
> Here's some headcanons of mine that you might need to get this:  
> -Jared's older than Evan, if only by a little bit (extention: they were born a week apart)  
> -Jared's literally been conditioned to helping Evan with panic attacks since he learned what they were.  
> -Jared totally calls Evan "Ev" and it helps ground him during attacks b/c no one else does that so it gives him the mentality that 'Yes Jared's here and Jared's good and can help.'  
> -Jared is the only one who can decode Evan Speak (you'll know when you read this haha). Literally not even his mom can do it.  
> -Evan Is like Jared's lil bro so he has the Must Protect attitude but is also mega antagonistic like siblings are.  
> -Evan really hates being touched by anyone except his mom and Jared and even that is questionable sometimes.  
> -They have a whole system for what to do when Evan has a panic attack constructed into perfection entirely by Jared (when he was only 10 what a Good Friend)  
> -Evan gets really embarrassed afterwards (which a lot of people do) but when he's okay again and Jared talks to him in The Voice (reserved specifically for this) he always says something along the lines of "I'm not a child." but he actually really appreciates The Voice  
> -Jared's a dick but also loves Evan (it's the brother thing from before)  
> Also: the reason Evan's mom doesn't know about the fact it was a suicide attempt is because when they get back to Evan's house at 2AM, his mom was still Working Hard for her boy so Evan rips the note up before anyone could see it.

He was running. He didn’t really have anywhere crucial to be, Jared just wanted to go on a run. He always does. Every night just after sunset. Jared had always liked the night sky and if he was to run, under the night sky would be where to do it.

It was peaceful, serene even, and he was trying not to think about the weird text he got from Evan earlier. That kid was always strange but he also always worried him. Jared wasn’t stupid and also had the factor of knowing Evan better than anyone except maybe his mom. He knew Evan struggled with a lot all of the time.

He knew the boy had panic attacks daily and probably depression, though in all honestly, he couldn’t be one-hundred percent sure. Jared was raised learning how to help Evan down from a panic or anxiety attack and ground him back into reality. It’s a job he’s done since he was seven years old and he learned that Evan had panic attacks more often than the clock hits twelve. Okay, well, not really, but it was pretty close.

That’s why the strange text worries him so much. He tried to call Evan after he sent it, but he just chalked it up to Evan being Evan. Sometimes he doesn’t answer the phone because it makes him anxious, even if it’s Jared. He should’ve responded hours ago via. text but he had been trying to decode what “Thank you.” could mean in ‘Evan Speak’ as Jared called it. Evan has always tried to be as indirect as possible unless it’s unstoppable and he word-vomits due to particularly awful anxiety.

He’ll text the blue-clad boy when he gets home.

\-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Jared has been home for 3 hours, just sitting in bed worrying his ass off about Evan and his stupid, vague message. He texted the younger boy the minute he got home and still no response. Even if Evan doesn’t answer the phone, he always answers text messages. Always. Especially to Jared.

So after not responding to call or text for four whole hours, he’s genuinely shocked when his phone vibrates around eleven PM and Evan’s contact picture pops up along with his number. He immediately grabs the phone and picks it up, practically screaming Evan’s name into the receiver. A groan from the other end makes him stop.

“Evan? Evan, dude? What happened?”

Another groan.

“You better give me some words right the fuck now, Hansen.”

A single word. _“Fell.”_ It’s mumbled but still clear.

“Uh—okay. I’m—I’ll be right there. Oh shit, dude, where are you?” Panic starts to bubble in his chest. What the fuck was Evan doing that he fucked himself up so badly he can barely speak?

_“Park.”_

“W-wait…what? You—you’re still in the _park_? As in, like Emerson Park? Where you stay until _six-thirty PM_? You mean that— _that_ park?” What the fuck?! How did no one realize he was missing? Who are these people?! Evan has been passed out for _hours_ and no one noticed he wasn’t with them.

_“Mmm—mmhm.”_

“What are you doing _there_ , dude? How long ago did you fucking fall?!” he shouts, exasperatedly.

_“No idea. Passed out I guess.”_

Jared breathes heavily as he swings his body around every corner of his house trying to collect everything he needs. He slips sandals on (they don’t belong to him but he couldn’t care less right now) and grabs the keys to his shitty car, coat forgotten and in pajama pants and a graphic tee.

Out the door and shakily locking it because his parents would be on his ass if someone broke in, even if it was because he was saving Evan’s ass. He hastily shoves himself into the driver’s seat and turns on the engine, phone carefully balanced between his ear and shoulder.

“Okay—okay, I’m on my way right now. Do you know what part of the park you’re in? He hears the shuffling of clothes and a groan as Evan presumably looks around.

 _“Uh—um…there’s a—there’s a bench t-that’s…purple? I think? A-and there’s a—uh—a lot of W-white Oaks around?”_ Stuttering and heavy breathing _. ‘He’s really scared’_ Jared thinks _._

“Okay, dude, I don’t know what the hell a White Oak looks like. I’m not the tree kid, remember? You are.” He chuckles nervously and continues. “I need more.”

 _“O-oh, heh, right.”_ A Laugh. Good. _“Hold on.”_ More shuffling _. “Oh! There’s a shed! Hah, there’s a shed!”_ He hears a pained groan from across the other line. Maybe laughing isn’t so great. _“Are you close?”_ It’s quiet, hesitant.

“Yeah. Yeah, I think so, buddy.” _“Good.”_ There’s a sigh from the other line and he can almost hear the smile in his voice. _“It really hurts, Jared. Like, a lot.”_

“I know. It’s okay. I’m out of the car a—oh! I see you! I’m gonna hang up now. Okay, Ev?”

 _“Yeah. I see you too.”_ There’s a sigh of relief before the line cuts off and Jared is pretty sure Evan is crying, but he’s running now and Evan is lying on the ground in the fetal position. From what the older boy can see, Evan’s arm is twisted in a horrendous way and he’s pretty sure it’s broken.

Jared slides onto his knees in front of Evan and inventories his (family _, but not really_ ) friend’s injuries. It looks as if there’s only a few scratches and the broken arm. A cut on his forehead may need stitches, it’s questionable. He carefully grabs Evan’s head with his hands and uses his thumbs to wipe away his tears. Jared eyes leave Evan and look up through the branches of the tree they were below. The lowest branch has to be at _least_ twenty feet above them. How Evan even climbed this tree is beyond him, but Evan was always good at climbing strange trees. Who knows how long the poor fucking kid has been lying here. It takes all of Jared’s will-power to not grab him right then and there. He knows he needs to be delicate with the broken boy.

“Dude, what the hell happened?” he looks straight into Evan’s eyes.

Evan looks away. “I told you already. I fell.”

“I think your arms broken, Ev. This cut on your forehead might need stitches too.” Evan’s eyes widen. “I know what you’re thinking, Evan. Hospitals are shit but you need to get at least those two things checked out because if your arm isn’t broken then it’s definitely sprained. So, unfortunately, hospital either way, man.”

“N-no. Jared, please don’t make me go.” Evan's eyes become teary and glassy as he starts to breathe heavily. Uh-oh. Panic Attack.

Jared immediately lets go of Evan as to not worsen the attack. “Alright, Evan, you know the drill. I need you to try to lift your right pointer finger if you can hear me. If you can’t lift it, just bend it, yeah? Then it’s the same for my questions, you hear?”

Evan looks so alone and small every time this happens. He looks like he’s lost and just wants a way home. So that’s what Jared provides. A guiding light. Jared keeps a close eye on Evan’s right hand. A twitch of the pointer finger. Good. “Okay, okay, Ev, that’s so good, you’re doing so well. You’re breathing way too hard, man, so we gotta get that back to a good level, huh?” His pointer finger quickly bends a little more than last time. _‘Okay, good. That means my voice is doing some grounding’_ Jared says internally.

“Would it be okay if I hugged you so we can get this breathing situation all figured out? I would put your left hand on my chest like usual but I think it’s broken. Can I do that?” A jerky nod of the head. Jared slowly moves towards Evan’s shaking body and wraps his arms around him so they’re chest-to-chest and lets his chin rest atop Evan’s messy hair.

“Can you hear that? My heartbeat? I know yours seems faster and louder so we need to make them equal, okay?” Another nod. “Alright, I need you to do the best you can—ready? In for six, hold for four, out for six.” It took a solid fifteen minutes before Evan’s breathing was reasonable.

“Ev? How are you feeling, buddy?” Jared quietly asks. “I’m not five.” The younger boy responds exasperatedly. “Alright, alright.” Jared chuckles. “I know you hate it but your arm really needs to get checked out.” Sadness seeps into his smile and a slight fear enters Evan’s eyes again. “I’ll be with you the entire time, I promise.”

“Pookie?*” Evan whispers, holding out his good pinky.

“Pookie.” Jared promises.

Evan begins to stand, albeit with a lot of assistance from Jared, and they’re finally both up. Now that Jared’s seeing all of him completely, Evan looks a lot more beat up than original anticipated.

Evan and Jared walk slowly to the car, Evan leaning heavily on the other boy. They both get in and off to the hospital they go. Together.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's it! The BMC fic should be up soon? Maybe? No promises, sorry, dudes.
> 
> *Pookie- something created by YouTuber "The Gabbie Show" and her friends. If they pookie something, it means they're not lying and it's like a Mega Pinkie Promise
> 
> That's also one of my headcanons: Evan and Jared Pookie and have since they were 5 years old.

**Author's Note:**

> This is a one-shot (sorry to disappoint if you were hyped about 2 chapters, which really, who is?) Anyway, Chapter 2 will be sort of a bonus thats kind of the aftermath of this and JARED WILL BE IN IT!! He'll be a Good Friend and love Evan. (Maybe in a gay way, maybe not. It's open to interpretation I guess.)
> 
> I also have another fic for BMC that I'm planning to write and I hope it will be up soon but unfortunately (or nah) I will still be torturing My Boys. I'll see you on the flipside!!!


End file.
